The world from my window

The bronze nymph in England's glory Mr Champagne-Charlie comes back from the churchyard cream tea. He is crestfallen. 'They've run out of scones,' he says. 'So I'm having a gin instead.' Several gins later and he's ready for the pram race. Darling Loggins, her friend and I are pushing 'Princess Margaret' (Bubbles Champagne-Charlie), complete with bandaged feet, in a wheelchair with a gin bottle 'drip' attached. It's hard work, this running, especially in dark glasses and a nun's habit. On our first lap Bubbles loses her hat and we are nudged into the verge by The Walking Wounded, with a bandaged Champagne-Charlie the passenger in another wheelchair being pushed by Mr Grigg, Anakin Sheepwash and Number One Son. They are closely followed by Celebrity Farmer in a pig mask and assorted members of his family wearing animal heads. Postman Pat rushes by and four blue Smurfs shoot past, the drizzle making their paint run. Te...

The union flags fluttered in the breeze as Champagne-Charlie walked into the village shop for dog food and a paper. He doffed his top hat at the shop assistant, who minutes later was serving an equally elegant Mrs Bancroft and the fragrant Mrs Putter. We watched the wedding in between mouthfuls of bacon and scallops and sips of champagne. The Archbishop of Canterbury looked like the holy goat and the trees were brought into Westminster Abbey for Prince Charles to talk to. We loved the kiss on the balcony but there were gasps at the hideous kinky sisters , Beatrice and Eugenie, who had come as pantomime dames for the day. Timmy Mallet and Christopher Biggins had never looked finer. 'What has she got on her head?' Champagne-Charlie said. 'It looks like something I shot in Africa.' It knocked all of the creations at our afternoon tea party in the village hall into a cocked hat. There were multi-coloured stovepipes, Carmen Mirandas, union flag bowlers and t...

The strawberry blond lead of Morris: A Life with Bells On could have been Celebrity Farmer. Or at least how Celeb used to look. I have just seen him on his way to charm the London city girls and he has reinvented himself. Designer shades and a new haircut. What is going on? Who knows, but there is plenty going on this weekend. Mr St John and Lady Friend moved in together yesterday and the plethora of removal lorries filled the street. Mimi and Larry have returned from the sun and are back behind the bar. The builder (with shirt on) is hard at work in our front room. Morris played to a full house at the village hall last night. Lots of chuckles and guffaws, especially at the 'local' jokes such as a scene at 'Dorchester Airport'. Dorchester has no airport, nor are there plans to create one. Unless the producers of the film have heard this is intended by Prince Charles as part of his toytown kingdom of Poundbury. Royal idyll: HRH and Poundbury Village, Dorchester I was pa...